(Posts categorized under Signal::Noise fall under the irreverent writings that I will be posting on here from time to time. This being the first one, I figured I’d give you all a little bit of warning.)
Ever dream of what you would do if you ever hit the lottery?
Everyone does it. And it doesn’t have to be the lottery. Whether you play make it big in the stock market (ok, ok, you in the back, stop laughing right now), or receive an inheritance from some long-lost and mostly likely British relative (because old money isn’t old enough if it doesn’t have its roots in Europe, and namely England), you have had the Get Rich Fantasy (TM).
And the obvious next destination upon receiving this money in said fantasy is what you would do with it. The most obvious answers are pay off your debts, buy a newer / bigger home, buy a home for your parents, stash some away for the kids’ college, etc. There are also the not-so obvious responses, like snorting coke off the small of $20,000-a-night call girls’ backs. Although some of these have crossed my mind as Things To Do Should I Become Rich, the most obvious answer became:
Hire a midget to follow you around everywhere you go, holding a boombox that plays your theme song.
Because that’s how you should spend your money and help the economy at the same time.
Imagine: he would be your bro, your wingman, the cool cat that’s got your back with the boombox. And the fact that he’s blaring your favorite tunes and hanging right with you, announcing your arrival like a hip-hop herald, makes it not only an incredibly easy job to perform (granted, he better be in shape), it also makes it about as fun a job as anyone could ask for.
And he would be getting paid. With benefits. Only the best for my boombox bro.
I had entertained this thought briefly months ago, and as I tend to do, I just tweeted it, where I would put the idea out there and see what kind of life it would take.
What kind of surprised me was that someone objected to the idea of using the term “midget”.
That stopped me short. “Midget is a bad word?” I thought to myself. Since when did that happen? A brief Google search came up with the term politically correct term “Vertically Challenged”, on which I call BS. Then again, this is the same page that says Girlfriend/Wife should be replaced with “Unpaid Sex Worker”, so it may be on to something. Alternatively, “Little Person” seems to be a legit replacement, but as a fan of the English language, it seems so obtuse (as most politically correct terms are). I don’t want to be referred to as Hispanic-American; Hispanic or American is just fine. Lumping both together seems to make everyone but me feel better about themselves.
So come on. I’m not hating when I use the term “midget”. After all, I want to hire one to be my boombox bro. Is that so wrong?